"What Would _______ Do?"

Well I was thinking about doing some Christmas shopping on Sunday and decided to head to the local Wally Mart. This is my daughter's 1st Xmas and I can't help but keep buying her stuff. She's so damn cute. So, I start walking in (with my list of course) and automatically head to the toy section. I used to love this section when I was a kid. Mom and dad would say "meet us at "whatever" time. I'd say "yeah" and I would be gone. I still feel like a weirdo standing there checking out the cabbage patch kids. I feel like I need to prove I have a kid in order to be in the girl section. People are rude for the most part. So I get a lot of stares and whispers.

I look at my list and the spin and dance Uniqua from the Backyardigans is #1. I can see it. There is only one left and I'm 50 feet away. The place is swarming with people. Damn. I need it.

Now I am not all that religious (unless the Oiler's is considered a religion) now a days but I couldn't help but think... People like to live thier lives with the whole "What Would Jesus Do?" So why not the Oiler's right?

"So" I thought. What Would Hemsky Do? Good plan. So I started out doing a fast jog, then I started really picking up speed. WATCH OUT! I jump to the left. Oh no! Spin-a-rama to the right. Almost there. One more juke to the left and back to the right and I'm there...

Right on. It worked. Just as I start to catch my breath, this dude in a suit starts to cut in front of me and starts grabbing for the toy. No way there tie wearing dude. Not today.

So? I quickly thought...

What Would MacTavish Do? I flashed a grin and without a blink I grabbed a hold of the dude's tie and ripped it right off. He stood there speechless as I grabbed the toy and walked quickly away. Take that Harvey the Hound #2

Yeah! (self high 5)

Well now I am starting to feel pretty good about myself. What's next on the list? Baby Einstein Kaleidoscope. Cool toy. Lights up and plays music. Easy to learn colors type of toy. Well... There was two left. Two. Now anyone knows that you never want the front toy because everyone and their dog has played with it already. So you want the one that is way in the back. Right? Well just as I start walking to get it and this lady and her 7 year old kid were heading that way.

Quick think man....

What Would Cole Do? I started running and just as the two of us were reaching "the toy", I pretend to slip on some water and I deliver the best Erik Cole open ice hit on her. BAM! She goes flying to the floor. Yes!!!! I got it. The back one. I help her off her kid and apologize for slipping and make some joke about how crappy the employees are here and I make off laughing under my breath. Sucker.

Now I have one more thing on the list and so far no luck. Oh wait. Is that the new IgglePiggle doll/figurine? It is. Hmmmm.... My girl is going to love that.
What Would Visnovsky Do? I know. He's good at getting in and getting out quick. So I kick it into high gear and do a run by. Successful! I have all three presents that I wanted to get for my princess. Living large and in charge.
So I go heading off to the check out till. Long lines of course. It's Christmas.

As I am waiting in line that jack ass Mr. No Tie guy from the Uniqua episode is giving me the eye. "Screw him", I say. I'm leaving. What could be the harm now right?
So What Would Souray Do? So I gave him that look. You know the look. The "I'm gonna rip some poop up on you" look. Yeah that's right. I'm bad ass. (I'm actually scared but you can't show him that) I finish paying and get my cash back and I start getting ready for the full on winter blast that I am sooooo lucky to receive at this time of year. And here is that hole of a butt, Mr. Suit with no tie guy again.
"Hey", he yells at me. "I needed that toy for my kid."
"So did I" I say back.
"Are you getting smart with me?" he growls.
"Yes I am", I reply.
He keeps getting closer to me. Sure enough he's parked beside me. What dumb luck huh? He looks really angry the closer he gets. Crap once again. What now?
Ahhhh... then it came to me. What Would MacIntyre Do?
What could I do? So I shirted him and started feeding him rights to the side of the noggin'. It shocked him a little. You could see it in his eyes. He starts to cover his head. So I did what Big Mac would do. I started feeding him in the ribs. (I learned from Big Mac that no matter what, you need to hit the opponent somewhere that's vulnerable or otherwise it's a waste of a punch) So I kept swinging until I was satisfied that he was going to be stunned. He fell to the ground and I found my opening to make a run for it. I snatched up all my gifts and jumped into my old crown victoria and sped off quickly.
Next stop... Tim Hortons.
Mmmmmm... Double Double.
Geez... what an afternoon. Next time I am going to send the wife. She's more like Chopper. She just goes in swinging her purse like she's big #18 and her life depends on it. Until next year...
Happy Holidays Everybody!!!

Smokin' Ray Burnt


***TRUE STORY: Based on true events that may or may not have happened in real life***

Beers and Jeers #5 (Dec 11/08 vs. Florida Panthers)

BEERS

Ales Hemsky

- Even though he was only credited with 4 shots and 2 missed, it seemed like he took a lot more than that. He played pretty well tonight even after he hurt his back and his left hand in the 1st period. I thought that he gave his all tonight. Atta boy Hemmer! Have a beer. Cheers!

Lubomir Visnovsky

- This guy was awesome tonight. His speed was on hyper-drive. Took a lot of shots. Played 23 minutes. He sure is starting to fit in here. Have a canadian beer Lubo. Cheers!

Erik Cole

- I thought that Cole was quite a force out there. He was shooting, hitting, drawing penalties, and most of all trying to make a difference. Clearly one of our better players tonight. Frosty Cold One? Cheers!

The Whole Team

- Great game guys. Florida didn't get a shot until the 11 minute mark. Awesome! It was nice to be on the other end of the stick for once. So for sticking to the game plan for the whole game... I'll buy a round. Cheers!

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JEERS

Well. Even though we lost it was a stellar game by the Oilers. Not much to complain about.

except.... we didn't score. Booooooooo.

If I was the Owner/GM/Coach I would... #1

Hi Everyone,

You are probably thinking... "How many segments does this guy have?" I have lots. I have OCD. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) My brain doesn't stop. It's Oilers all day every day. Drives my family nuts. Can't help it. I mean come on...it's the Oilers! And besides I like to keep things fresh and I try not to regurgitate my material so I try and have mixed segments.

So here's "If I was the Owner/Gm/Coach..."

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If I was the Gm I would...

Before I think of doing any trades I would have to think that some of the players were untouchable. Here is my list.

Ales Hemsky

Sam Gagner

Andrew Cogliano

Lubomir Visnovsky

Sheldon Souray

Tom Gilbert

Steve MacIntyre

Not on the list? Everyone else to me can be sold. I do like Big Mac. He's very coachable and he's willing to learn. He is training really hard since he's been off and I think we will see an improvement in his game. Plus we got him for nothing and we need him for at least this year. The other six are the six I build around.

But that's just me.

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Now if I were coach...

Here is my line up that I would roll after Nilsson and Gagner come back.

Penner Horcoff Hemsky (1st line)

Schremp Cogliano Pouliot (2nd Line A)

Nilsson Gagner Cole (2nd Line B)

Moreau Brodziak Brule/Reddox (Checking Line)

No fourth line (in hockey talk). I think it is worth a try. It could be very effective. The hot players will then get a PP opportunity.

But what ever... just a thought.

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If I was the owner I would...

Be painting my face and make damn sure the crowd seen me on the Jumboton. I would show you guys that I really am a fan of the team and I am there to support it. I would be shaking hands and kissing babies at the Gretzky statue before games. I would be outside lighting cigarettes for the smokers during the intermission. I would walk in the locker room during a really crappy game and stand in the middle of the room and stare at them in silence like that commercial. The who wants to be traded look. I would randomly give $20 back to fans after a bad loss. I just made $475, 000 on that game. What is giving away a couple grand gonna kill me? I would start a "let's Go Oilers" chant when we really need it during a game. Maybe start the wave even though it's lame.

These are the things that I would do for the fans. Not much, but it helps.

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Anyways... that was another classic segment by Smokin' Ray Burnt

Thanks for stopping by.

I Like The Cut Of Your Jib! #1

In this instalment of "I like the cut of your jib", I will be talking about Sheldon Souray. The big man #44 from Elk Point, Alberta.

This guy is a Jib Cutter 100%. The man ooze's class like he's sweating on a hot day. He is as mean as Rita McNeil waiting in line for the buffet and you budge in front of her and she kicks you ass sooooo bad that she eats you as an appetizer. His shot is so scary that even I have nightmares about blocking them and I don't even play in the NHL. And his style of dress makes even Versace look like a homeless guy. He's smooth and violent all at the same time. The man is awesome plain and simple.

Two games ago against Dallas, the kid line was out and the period just ended. Someone (can't remember who) started to beat on Gagner a little. While everyone else was heading off to go back to the dressing room, there stood Souray on the bench. Waiting... Watching... Then after the scrum was over and the opposing player skates by.... Souray unloads a verbal assault on the guy and you could tell that he meant it and that it couldn't be repeated around small children. He sticks up for his own guys and that alone is classy.

When he came here from Montreal, I didn't really know what to expect. (except for his shot) Last year I was quite upset that we are paying this guy a boatload of $$$ and he only plays 26 games. 10 points and was -7. Wow. 6.25 Million and that is what we got. Bogus. Joni #2.

However...

This is the Souray people expected. He's on pace to beat his own personal best of 64 points. Finally. Finally Edmonton gets a winner. And finally a true leader. I personally would give him the C right now but I can't. He's great. He hits, shoots, fights and brings a certain level of excellence that few can provide. When he's on he makes others around him play better. He has been pretty solid with Gilbert. He was even willing to play the left side so Visnovsky could be on the right. What a team player. Teams can't find enough of these guys.

I think our D corps is finally coming together. We have Souray under contract until 2011/12. Visnovsky until 2012/13. And Gilbert until 2013/14. I say the future looks pretty darn good.

So for all your hard work... Sheldon Souray, I like the cut of your jib. You jib cutter you.

Until next time,

SRB

Beers and Jeers #1 (Nov 30/08 vs. Dallas Stars)

Hello,

This is a segment that I like to call "Beers and Jeers". It's basically my 3 stars of the game we all just watched. (But not 3 stars) Due to problems with the puter last night I couldn't get this posted.


BEERS

Lubo Visnovsky
- This man came back from a crazy hard hit during the St Louis game to play in this game against the Stars. I thought he was gone for a week at least. I would still be there in the fetal position sucking my thumb. Good on him for playing today. Plus I heard from SN that he wanted to come back during the St. Louis game. Are you sure this guy isn't canadian? He went up in my books this weekend. Thank god he isn't another Pitkanen. And his actual game play today was great. Very fast and had his head up quite a bit. Wonder why? Anyways. Here is a beer for Lubo. Cheers.

Ales Hemsky
- I wish I had the talent that he has. He played another good game. I am finally relieved that he is starting to look like that point per game player that we drafted. He just looks comfortable out there. Beer Hemmer? Cheers

Sheldon Souray
- How is this guy not our current captain? He probably poops leadership in the morning while eating a big bowl of nasty flakes. He can't skate worth a crap but everything else he does turns to gold. He played a solid hard fought game tonight. Again. How about a case of beer for Shelly? Cheers great leader.

Kyle Brodziak
- Not much to say but nice goals. Lucky. But nice. Did you and MacT have this planned to make him look good? It worked.


JEERS

Shawn Horcoff
- Not much to jeer here other than he needs to go back to getting the puck out of your own end school. How many times in a row does he shoot it right at the guy coming down on him? I don't get it. Not just this game, but for at least 2 weeks. It drives me MAD. And my wife goes mad because she can't stand to hear me yell at the TV "Damn Horcoff!!!! Get IT OUT man..." A jeer for you Horc's. Boooooooo

Mac T
- Now I am the biggest MacT supporter there is. I like him. I think he's a good coach. The team plays well when they play by the system. But what the hell man? Where was Roli? I thought that if you won you kept playing? You made yourself look at little dumb yesterday. No wonder the goalies are confused. I would be to. But whatever? I'm not the coach. So here's your jeer. Boooooo.

The Whole team
- For the whole team that blew that game. Booooooooo


Smokin' Ray Burnt